One day old man Stumpy and his wife
Martha went to the Illinois State Fair. There is this
man selling plane rides in his single prop show plane
for $10 per person. Stumpy looks to Martha and says,
"Martha, I think I really should try that." Martha
replies, "I know you want to Stumpy, but we have a lot
of bills, and you know the money is tight, and $10 is
$10." So Stumpy goes without. Over the next few years
they return every year, and the same thing, Stumpy wants
to ride, but Martha says no money.
Finally, when Stumpy and Martha are
both about 70 years old, Stumpy looks to Martha, and
says, "Martha, I'm 70 now, and I don't know if I'll ever
get the chance again, so I just have to be naughty and have a ride in
that there airplane." Martha replies in the same old
fashion, and Stumpy kind of slumps down. The pilot is
standing near by and overhears the conversation...
The pilot pipes up, "Excuse me
folks, I couldn't help but hear your situation, and I
have a deal for you. I'll take both of you up together,
and if you can both make the entire trip without saying
a word, or even making the slightest sound, I'll give
the ride for free. But if either of you make a sound,
its $10 each." Well, Martha and Stumpy look at each
other, and agree to take the ride.
The pilot takes them up, and
starts to do loop de loops, twists, dives, climbs and
spins. No sound. The pilot lands the plane, looks back
at Stumpy and says, "Sir, I have to hand it to ya, you
didn't make even the slightest sound and that was my
best stuff." Stumpy looks back at the pilot and says,
"Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out,
but $10 is $10!"
For decades, two heroic statues,
one male and one female, faced each other in a city
park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.
"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to
them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm
going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in
which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of
his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon
dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good
deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches.
Fifteen minutes later of naughty fun, the two statues emerged from the
bushes, wide grins on their faces.
"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel,
winking at them.
Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to
the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you
hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."
An Amish boy and his father were
visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything
they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that
could move apart and back together again. The boy asked
his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never
having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never
seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an
old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls
and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady
rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed
and the boy and his father watched small circles of
lights with numbers above the walls light up. They
continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old
woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get
This man, his wife and their
Border Collie, Maisy were out for a drive in the country
one afternoon in their new convertible, with the top
down. The husband and wife were enjoying the scenery as
they drove along. While unbeknownst to them, Maisy gave
birth to seven puppies while laying on the back seat of
the automobile. The couple continued to drive along,
unaware of the new arrivals. Soon the road began to
deteriorate and was beginning to become quite rough.
Suddenly, the car ran over a deep pothole in the road,
and one of Maisy's puppies bounced up and out of the
car, landing on the roadway just in front of a police
car that had been following the man and his wife.
The police officer switched on his
lights and siren, and soon had the couple pulled over to
the side of the road. What are you pulling me over for?
Queried the startled driver. The officer responded, "I
pulled you over for creating a "Road Hazard, for other
drivers!" What hazard? Asked the man. "A puppy bounced
out of your car and put myself, and several other
drivers at risk, trying to avoid hitting it." Now your
Drivers License and Proof of Insurance please. Thank you
Sir... And the 'Bitches' name, Sir. Hey! How dare you
call my wife a bitch! Sir, I was referring to the dog!
Oh... Her name is Maisy. What do you want her name for,
officer? Well Sir, after I write your ticket for
"Endangering Vehicular Traffic", I am going to cite your
dog, Maisy, for Littering!
After being with her all evening,
the man couldn't take another minute with his blind
date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend
call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to
leave if something like this happened.
When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put
on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My
grandfather just died."
"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't,
mine would have had to!"
At a jewelry store, a young man
bought an expensive locket as a present for his
girlfriend. "Don't you want her name engraved upon it?"
asked the jeweler. The young man thought for a moment,
and then, ever the pragmatic, steadfastly replied,
"No, just engrave it: To My One And Only Love. That way,
if we break up and she throws it back to me in anger, I
can use it again."
A man and his wife were driving
through country on his way from New York to California.
Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the
next gasoline station and fill up. About 15 minutes
later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the
high octane pump.
"What can I do for y'all?" asks the attendant. "Fill `er
up with high test," replies the driver. While the
attendant is filling up the tank, he's looking the car
up and down. "What kinda car is this?" he asks. "I never
seen one like it before." "Well," responds the driver,
his chest swelling up with pride, "this, my boy is a
1999 Cadillac DeVille."
"What all's it got in it?" asks the attendant. "Well,"
says the driver, "it has everything. It's loaded with
power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power
mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the
trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack
and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather
interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, a
8.8 liter V12 engine."
"Wow," says the attendant, "that's really something!"
"How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the
driver. "That'll be $30.17," says the attendant.
The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20
and a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a
handful of change. Mixed up with the change are a few
golf tees. "What are those little wooden things?" asks
the attendant. "That's what I put my balls on when I
drive," says the driver. "Wow," says the attendant,
"those Cadillac people think of everything!"
Mr. Smith wanted to become a
teacher in the worst way, but the only job he could find
was as an instructor at an all female college teaching
sex education. His wife was a very jealous woman so Mr.
Smith decided he would tell his wife that he would be
teaching sailing at this college so that she would not
get angry. He was very happy and for months all was
well. As fate would have it, one day in the grocery
store check out lane, Mrs. Smith overheard a group of
girls standing in line behind her talking about college
and their instructor Mr. Smith. The girls went on and on
about how great this Mr. Smith was at teaching their
class. The cashier handed Mrs. Smith her change and
said, "Have a great day Mrs. Smith, and thank you,
again." One of the girls in line heard the cashier, and
asked Mrs. Smith if she was related to the Mr. Smith
that was teaching at the college. Mrs. Smith replied,
"Yes, he is my husband." Well that set off a torrent of
accolades about how knowledgeable Mr. Smith was about
the subject matter he was teaching, about how he got the
whole class to discuss their fears about learning the
subject. Well Mrs. Smith was taken back by what she
heard from these girls and replied, "I don't know how
you find him to be so gifted at teaching you this
course. You know he only tried it twice in his life. The
first time he tried it, he got sick, and the second
time, his hat blew off and he just quit."
A pompous self made grocer named
Bates gets his son into an expensive private school. On
day One the whole family is there to see the little
blighter begin his first day at school. The grocer, his
family in tow, saunters into the principal's office and
introduces himself thus: "I am Sir Shortweight Bates.
This is my wife, Lady Bates, my daughter Miss Bates and
my son Master Bates." "Oh does he?" asks the bemused
principal, "we will soon get him out of that terrible
A stranger was seated next to
Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to
the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that
flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation
with your fellow passenger."
Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it
slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about
"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting
topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a
cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a
deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a
flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass.
Why do you suppose that is?"
"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."
"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you
feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't
A taxi passenger tapped the driver
on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver
screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus,
went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the
driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You
scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger
apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap
would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry,
it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a
cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last